It has been on my heart for some time to write about an experience I had in April at a retreat called “Walk to Emmaus”. It was the first time I ever heard God speaking directly to me.
First I must say that I highly recommend this retreat. It is a life-changing three days. If you are at all able to go to one, please do. If you are interested, feel free to contact me and I will be happy to get you some information.
Okay, so like most of the retreats I have attended, Saturday night is somehow always extra special. On this particular Saturday night the group had met in the sanctuary of the church to have our session. The spiritual leader asked us all to spread out in the sanctuary and pray about re-dedicating our lives to Christ. I wasn’t at all sure I wanted/needed to re-dedicate (I was SO wrong!) so I went to a rear pew to just sit and pray.
Shortly after I sat down, a thought came into my mind of going down to the front of the church and lying down at the altar. Well, due to my back issues, that is something that is really painful, and I had already been in pain due to sitting in straight chairs all day Friday and Saturday listening to speakers. So, I dismissed the thought as a random, crazy thought. Almost as soon as I dismissed it, another thought came, only this time it was a clear, color picture of me laying on my belly, in that sanctuary in front of the altar. At this point I said in my mind “God, if this is you, NO! You know the kind of pain I am in, I cannot lie down on my belly on a hard floor and expect to get back up! So not just NO, but HELL NO!”
At this point I was shaking my head in disbelief and smiling at the absurdity that I actually thought this was God speaking to me. I sat there for a minute or so longer and suddenly I clearly heard in my own voice…”You will be obedient!” I would not describe myself as obedient to God or to anyone else excepting my parents. Needless to say, I got up and immediately went down to the altar, used the altar rail to get down, and laid face down on the floor.
My sponsor for the weekend, who incidentally knew my history and knew about the pain I was in from sitting, came over to me, and asked me “What are you doing?” I said, “God told me to come lay down in front of the altar until He said to get up. So I did.” She said, “Why?” I said, “I don’t know why, I just did what he said.” She replied, “Okay….” And then she lay down with her head next to mine and we began discussing the weekend in whispers…if the men’s weekend was the same as the women’s….mundane stuff.
By this time I had begun to cry. After my surgery I now have six rods and six screws in my lower back. Lying on my stomach is extremely painful. One of the other ladies came over and knelt next to me to ask “Why are you on the floor?” I responded the same way to her as I had to my sponsor. She asked “Do you want me to get the spiritual leader?” I responded, “Well, since I don’t know why I am down here, I don’t know.” She went to get the leader! I’m sure she thought I had just gone around the bend!
While she was going to get him, several of the other ladies came over and stood around me asking what I was doing. When he got over to me and sat down in front of me, he said “Why are you on the floor?” I said, “God told me to come lay down in front of the altar, so I did.” He said “Okay, well, why did God tell you that?” I said, “I really don’t know.” After a beat or two he said to me “I think you are meant to be a teaching tool. I am going to perform a healing.” I said, “Okay, whatever you say, that is as good an explanation as any.” He asked the ladies standing around me to kneel around me and put their hands on me, which they did. The next period of time is a blur. My sponsor told me later that I lay on the floor for at least an hour. I was crying hard, he and the ladies around me were praying over me, and all I knew was I felt as if a knife was being repeatedly stabbed into my lower back. (As an aside, one of the ladies touching me should probably be a healer as when she prayed I felt a distinct electrical sensation where her hands were touching me.)
After some time, I heard him say “Amen”. By the way, I could not tell you anything that was said during that time. He said to me, “Is it time for you get up now?” I said, “Yes,” having felt God’s approval of my rising, “But I will need to roll over to get up”. The ladies kneeling around me all moved and several helped me to my feet. I could not feel my right leg at this point, so they helped me over to a pew. One person went to get me a pain pill and some water; another went to get me a pillow.
The spiritual leader asked me, “Do you know yet why you were asked to lay down?” I said, “Well I guess I needed to be reminded to be obedient to God.” He nodded said, “That makes sense. I have never had anything like this happen in the many years I have been leading these retreats!” Shortly after that we were dismissed to go to bed.
I was lying in a sleeping bag on top of two foam pads, on a cot. One of the foam pads had some kind of nylon cover; the other had a cotton cover. Sometime during the night I slid off the cot and ended up on the nylon covered pad on the floor. A lady sleeping near-by heard me hit the floor and in a very alarmed voice said, “Are you okay?” I answered, “Yes, I think so.” She said, “Do you need help getting back on the cot?” I said, “No, I think I’ll just stay here.” After a little laugh, we both went back to sleep.
Several of the ladies asked me the next morning if I was feeling better, no doubt wondering if a miraculous healing had indeed occurred the night before. My answer was “No, if anything I am hurting more.” I truly did not get a physical healing, but my attitude about my back problems was changed. I no longer was defined in my mind by my back problems, but rather I was a person who just happened to have a bad back.
What did I take away from this weekend? Not only does God love me unconditionally, regardless of my back issues, but that I need to be obedient to Him, and listen more often to hear his voice. I am also a child of God. Not a person with rods and screws correcting a congenital birth defect of the spine. I need not define myself as my ailments, but to define myself by the love God feels for me and through me, to show to others.
Stuff I Wonder 